just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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