Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
