i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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