he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
