I just threw up on my dentist
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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