then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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