she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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