My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
