think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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