my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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