My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
