Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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