Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it hurts more in the daytime
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
