Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
