I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
