Pappa wants mamma naked
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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