As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
