Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
