tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
