I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
