WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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