Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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