if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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