i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
