There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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