Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We smell like vodka and hangover
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