Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My dick has a subreddit
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
