fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize