just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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