I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
