No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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