So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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