Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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