God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
