My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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