Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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