Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
