Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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