This is not my ceiling
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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