you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
