Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
