you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
