you traded sex for a burrito?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize