Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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