my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
