the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
