I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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