proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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