You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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