Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
