Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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