just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
