My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
