if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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