WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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