I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
