i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
