I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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