You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize