i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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